Eat Green and Die

According to Time, the $2.6 billion prewashed salad industry is at stake, clinging to their very roots for survival. Right now, Americans are emptying out their produce drawers following an E. coli scare that would have Popeye spinning in his grave. What spawned this mass terror? Over a hundred people have eaten contaminated fresh spinach, causing mass intestinal disturbances and one fatality. California is the source of the E. coli, so this should be the perfect opportunity for Governor Arnold to test his mettle against a new kind of bad guy: non-Predator, non-Terminator, and non-Democrat. Will the Kindergarten Cop defeat the bad bug? Well…maybe with the help of the CDC. Until then, I recommend avoiding manure-contaminated spinach and opting for a healthier alternative instead: twinkies. Lard and sugar are thus far impervious to attacks by the coli family…apparently even bacteria have their standards. Ironically enough, most Americans (including me) would probably risk dropping dead at the tender age of 35 to avoid something that is already present in their bodies, peacefully digesting all those partially hydrogenated oils. Then again, if we lived long enough, we’d develop brain cancer from our cell phones.